Archives -
Old jokesPosted January 15th
You probably remember the alarmism surrounding the recall of Chinese products—from pet food to children’s toys—some two Christmases ago. They contained potentially toxic amounts of lead or melamine or poisonol or whatever, and internet forums across the country were deluged with fulsome commentary demanding this slanty-eyed garbage be pulled from American shelves. Never mind the fact that stores emptied of Chinese goods would be barren, or that the highly centralized U.S. agribusiness food chain is riddled with nasty little microbe-sized holes.
But we’re not here to discuss trade policy or the PPM of foreign-made poisonol in my Coke Plus. We’re here to indulge a parody that’s about a year and a half late. Here are some other toys your children should avoid:
Fortress of Domestic Violence
Little Ronnie Rebound Doll
Stitch and Rip, The Conjoined Action Twins
Unstable Isotope Chemistry Set
George Hamilton’s Toddler Bronzer
The Leaky Boot Hobo Costume Kit
Blister Pops, Unsuckables and Teeny-Tinys Candy
Windpipers Assembly Blocks
Children’s Vodka
Aquarium Helmet
“New York Hand Gestures” Leapfrog Learning Game
Tips, Tacks, Pricks and Points
NetPals Anonymizer Internet Software
My First Firearm
MagnesiuMan Spontaneous Funbustion Action Figure
Syringe-O-Graph
Captain Punishment’s Vigilante Justice Kit
Spasmodicus Rex Motorized Electrosaur
Beep Boop Pedophile Finder
Puffy, the Powdered Doll
Little Timmy Tartare Maker
Master P’s Pimpjuice Machine
Fist Me Elmo