Noisy Balloonist Blog is the apprentice

This is an unlikely re-post but it’s public radio, so don’t subtract any of my echo chamber credits. Listen to this manic, highly conceptual debridement of the Zac Efron tween stimulator 17 Again, as rendered by film critic Henry Sheehan on Larry Mantle’s FilmWeek on 89.3 KPCC FM. At first, fellow critic Peter Rainer wants a piece of the joke, then grows silent and finally, selflessly, steps in front of Sheehan’s mouth when he offers to send potential viewers a picture of some holes in the ground as a substitute for the film. I would have accepted a sketch.

FilmWeek on AirTalk excerpt, 4/17/08

Certainly there are more important posts, but I just returned from running some errands with a desperate need to urinate.

Huh. It’d be funny if the story ended there.

Anyway, I robotically unzipped and walked to the back of the kitchen. Took me a few moments to realize I was about to pee into the garbage bin I keep inside a tall cabinet, rather than the toilet, which is usually where I put that stuff. This preliminary brush with senility was quite amusing, so I laughed out loud for a few minutes before hitting the head. I suppose it’s better than whizzing in the fridge.

While we’re addressing human waste, I saw Team America: World Police, which mostly sucked. But I’d heard a fair bit about puppet fucking, and there was indeed puppet fucking. Since this was DVD, I was privy to raw and intense unrated puppet fucking. Now let’s be clear: puppet fucking is a-ok. But puppet shit-play? That doesn’t even make sense. Did someone carve the marionette a little wooden colon? Is there a sphincter string?

From the millennial amusements file. Here’s a fake newswire story I wrote after a scandalously real incident that occurred in New York City where I was staying with friends over the Y2K holiday. I edited a smidge but yes, this is a six-and-a-half year-old joke. On to the sub-head:

Local residents aghast as partially nude woman induces hysteria in visiting nerd.
AP Newswire — January 2, 2000

A tourist visiting friends in the West Village section of Manhattan over the New Year’s holiday broke a desk chair in what was mutually agreed on by onlookers as nothing short of a ” frenzy to look at ass.” The incident occurred at approximately 10:30pm on January 1, 2000 while residents and guests in the apartment were screening Jon Water’s seminal gyno-angst crime drama Female Trouble.

Despite the alarming amount of ass present in Water’s film, the tourist, Los Angeles resident Ben Calderwood, sprung from his chair to view the ass in question after another apartment guest, Lance Known, announced its presence in an apartment window across the bustling Lower Manhattan thoroughfare. “Look, there’s ass!” Known reportedly exclaimed after sighting a woman disrobing in the neighboring apartment. This exhortation prompted Calderwood to leap from his chair in a desperate bid to see the ass for himself. Before he was able to get to his feet, eyewitnesses indicate the chair spontaneously collapsed, due in no small part to the force exerted upon it by Calderwood in his anticipation of pending ass-view. The young man was left stunned on the floor amidst pieces of shattered furniture.

Those present in the room marveled at how swiftly and soundly Calderwood’s apparent lust for ass destroyed the chair. Manhattan native Marissa Miller, one of the apartment’s permanent residents, recounted the incident to authorities: “It was totally a frenzy to look at ass. Totally. I mean, that chair was completely fucking obliterated. Did you see it? It was in six fucking pieces for Christ’s sake!” When questioned as to the nature of the ass in the window across the street, and whether it was substantial enough to warrant destruction of personal property, Known replied, “Oh yeah—that was definitely ass.”

The owner of the desk chair, resident Adam Felder, was reportedly gracious to the houseguest after the chair’s expected demise. In an interview with NY1 News, Felder stated, “There are times when a guy just has to look at ass. This was one of those times. So what if now I have to sit on the floor amidst a litter of gay porn and Diana Ross records. I’m really ok with that. That chair went out in blaze of ass-induced glory. And I’m glad that Ben was finally able to catch a glimpse of something he desperately, desperately needs. Good old-fashioned, unadulterated, USDA-approved ass.”

When questioned about the incident, Calderwood initially denied the chair’s destruction was in any way related to a “frenzy to look at ass.” “That had nothing whatsoever to do with ass,” said the houseguest. “Sure I got up to take a look, but in an altogether casual fashion. I had none of this brow-flecked-with-sweat desperation that Miller and Felder are trying to tar me with. The collapse of the chair was an unfortunate coincidence. The structural integrity of the thing was questionable to begin with. It failed. That’s all there is to it. Besides, she wasn’t even that hot.”

Calderwood’s remarks clearly contradicted the testimony of eyewitnesses. Confronted with the evidence, the young man later amended his statement. “OK, you’re right,” said Calderwood, “It was all about the ass. Nothing but ass. A frenzy to look at ass. I’m so sorry.” The fate of the chair remains in question. Felder has given no indication whether or not he intends to replace the furniture. The ass was unavailable for comment.