Noisy Balloonist Blog is the apprentice

I stitched together a 36-mile best-of ride on my demo Swiss Miss, the stunning 2009 BMC naked carbon gloss+white SLC01 Pro Machine. 2010s are identical save for new paint. After two false starts, doubling back to my apartment twice because I couldn’t get my position dialed in, and butterflies because the BMC is quite literally a pro peloton machine and more bike than I’d ever handled before, I departed for the Sepulveda pass, still a little out of joint but too impatient to futz with a hex tool any longer. Click below to open a Facebook image gallery.

The SLC is half the weight of my current bike, 15 flyweight pounds to the GT’s 29.5, a change I’m struggling to adequately quantify. The frame alone weighs 950 grams—if you had a seal, he could balance it on his nose. The demo came equipped with the 2010 Ultegra group, Mavic Ksyrium Elite wheels, Conti tires and a Fizik Aliante Gamma saddle. Transitioning overnight from a 44-32-22 MTB triple crank to a 53-39 standard double is bewildering to say the least. The math refuses to line up, and I found myself glancing past my thigh at the cassette to figure out what gear I was in, or what gear I should be in. The big ring can be a bitch to turn over. Getting caught unawares in high gear at a green light would delight the Marquis de Sade, and despite my fitness—and fastidiously avoiding the granny gear on my GT—I nearly ran out of gears on the climbs.

I still crested Sepulveda maybe 10 minutes faster than usual, and I haven’t done any climbing in months. The return was terrifying. Thirty pounds of bike is effectively ballast, helping you maintain your line, especially in a wind. Fifteen pounds of sylphlike carbon perched atop a few centimeters of rubber is a different story. There was a venomous slanting headwind pushing me all over the road on the descent, like you might flick a spinning top. Sepulveda is a wide boulevard with gentle curves and few lights—an amateur could sprint downhill to 50+ MPH with a few extra breaths. I could smell my brakes. I need to work on my bike handling skills.

The Ultegra group is snappy and fun to use. There’s a little play in the levers but shifting is crisp and clean, on par with SRAM Force and out-performing the 2009 Dura-Ace I’d tested elsewhere. Shimano, however, is dead last in ergonomics. The hoods feel cramped and thin. Despite the Hellraiser-inspired design of Campagnolo’s Ergopower levers (who molds grips that looks like exposed muscle?), they are vastly more comfortable. Braking is smooth but a little soft on the OEM Ultegra pads. That dinner plate of a crank is light and absolutely rigid—and one of the few Shimano styling cues I actually like. Fizik Aliante saddle? Next.

I got off the hill without dying and took the long way ’round to Marina Del Rey and the Ballona Creek bike path, where I knew I’d have a tailwind and prepared to open it up. Turned east onto the path and started dumping watts into the bike as hard as I could. Sprinted to 32 MPH in the flats, a fit of anaerobic pedal mashing in 53/12 (the highest gear, or “Cavendish ratio”) not unlike hammering the circle button to behead a cyclops in God of War. I passed beneath Lincoln Boulevard, assuming I’d be able to maintain a strong 23-25 MPH pace through to Culver City, when the route was blocked by caution tape and a police car. The cop informed me that a body had been found in the creek.

I responded in the stupidest manner possible, considering what I’d been told: Are you serious? What was the cop going to say? Nah man, we just string this crime scene tape up to fuck with cyclists. Now turn around.

The Pro Machine frameset itself is just fucking ice cream, 100% sculpted carbon art down to the dropouts, looking like something JPL might dream up to ferry terraformers around Europa. It’s fun to read the frame before you ride it. The decals said it features nanocarbon transmolecules or something, and integrated… skeletons. The net-net of all this beautiful architecture is a buoyant, responsive all-rounder of a frame that tracks fabulously and hums over LA’s wasted roads. By the end of my 2-hour training session I was rolling hands-free, tucking into the drops and leaning into turns far deeper than was ever possible on that anchor I’ve ridden off and on (lately, on) since 2005. Confidence restored! The Pro Machine is BMC’s magic carpet. I’ll be demoing the SLX01 Race Master, the merciless dominatrix of the BMC line, next weekend.

Hat tip to Banning’s Bikes in Fullerton for supplying the demo and being friendly, helpful and attitude-free.